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Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian
Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I
am."
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A
man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God:
It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
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Valentine's Day
After she woke
up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it
means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to
his
wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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How many dollars?
Teacher: If you have two
dollars, and you ask your father for four dollars, how much will you have?
Student: Two dollars.
Teacher: You
don't know your math.
Student: You don't know my father.
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Brand New Bible for the "New Age"
"In the beginning there was an infinite expanse composed
of nothing. And it came to pass accidentally and then began to form chemical elements.
Then, accidentally, it decided to compress itself into a ping-pong ball. Having done thusly, it verily chose to collapse
in on itself to form a pinhead of compact atoms weighing more than 900,000,000,000,000 tons.
And then, behold! It decided to blow up, so it did.
"Thereupon it accidentally blew out, evenly, in all directions
for
10,000,000 light years and formed a perfect set of several million galaxies, nebulae, and star clusters. All operating
with enough precision to set your clock by.
Fortunately, one set accidentally formed a solar system that had all of the necessary elements for producing the kind
of life now writing this 'Bible.'
"And it came to pass, after several billion years (give or take several hundred million),
the sun decided to accidentally throw out Uranus, Pluto, Mars, Venus, Jupiter, etc., in different sizes at different distances
with different atmospheres.
In thus doing, it also accidentally threw out an Earth, which
(accidentally) formed water and plants out of molten
lava.
After a few billion years (give or take several hundred million, either way), an accidental combination of elements
got together and accidentally formed a genetic code chain that could dictate what kind of life would be produced.
Whereupon this accidentally produced a one-celled animal which couldn't produce a two-celled animal (or a three, or four,
or five, or six celled, etc., animal).
"And thus it came to pass that over 20,000 species of animals were produced
accidentally, to no purpose, and man was one of them.
And evolution took the planaria that it had made from a paramecium, and created a jellyfish and brought it to a nonsexed,
neuter, hermaphrodite and called it ~woman.~ (Or protozoa, coelenterata, platyhelminthes, or ctenophora: evolution only knows!)
And evolution said, 'It is not good for the monkey to be alone. I will make a mate for him.' So it accidentally made
'Lucey' for 'Magic,' and he called her 'Baby' because she was taken out of a monkey.
"And after 6,000 years of killing,
cannibalism, torture, murder,
embezzlement, fraud, famine, Iying, swearing, cheating, stealing, and killing the monkey
(or femur, or tarsier, or whatever) accidentally decided he had 'rights' that came from the spermatophytes, thallophytes,
bryophytes, and
ptendophytes, so he gave himself the right to cheat, abort, swear, lie, misrepresent, steal, pervert, extort,
defraud, torture, and kill and called these rights, 'Civil Rights.'
"Today, at the very pinnacle of creation, the monkey
(or 'great ape,' or 'hominoid,' or whatever) is 'the measure of all things.'
He verily 'hath arrived.' He now knows why
he came into being,
accidentally; it was to please himself. At last he hath a goal: to make himself comfortable.
In the next seven years, this will be done by perversion, extortion, rape, drug abuse, lying, swearing, embezzlement,
cheating, cannibalism, terrorism, perversion and killing, evolution willing!
"Even so, may the fittest survive! Amen!
"
(The scholars who translated this new Bible version were: Albert Einstein, Max Plank, Heisenberg, Charles Darwin,
Karl Marx, Dr. Libby, Harold Leakey, Medawar, Bergson, Lysenko, Mach, Max Born, and Stephen Hawking.)
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Moaners & Groaners:
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind
is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor
spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris
replied,
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The
doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart
murmur. Be careful.'"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!." "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very
much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after
all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,"
he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.
COUNTRY WISDOM:
Don't name a
pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how
fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you
bounce.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life
is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a
milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are
whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns,
not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and
hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to
buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You
can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch
flies.
Man is the only critter who feels
the need to label things as flowers or
weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go
huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't
wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most
of the stuff people worry about never happens.
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Lessons
From Parenthood
(Pleasures of the First Born)
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity
clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
possible.
3rd
baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your
breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember
that last time, breathing didn't
do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1s! t baby: You pre-wash
newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, & fold them neatly in the baby's little
bureau.
2nd baby: You check
to make sure that the clothes are clean
& discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can
wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper or a frown,
you pick
up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to
wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You
teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on
the floor, you put it away
until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the
floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop
it back in.
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether
they need it or not.
2nd
baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if
needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others
start
to complain about the smell or you see it
sagging to their knees.
Activities
1st baby: You take your
infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby
Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd
baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time
you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember
to
leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees
blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
the baby.
2nd baby:
You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure
your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting
the baby.
3rd
baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from
the children.
Swallowing Coins
1st child: When
first child swallows a coin, you rush the
child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When 2nd child swallows
a coin, you carefully
watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: When 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it
from his
allowance!!
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Tips For Visitors to The South
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need
to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be
handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like
the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to
us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and
is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.
So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town.
We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before
we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday
nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town
to see friends and neighbors.
We don't do "hurry up" well.
Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them.
You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some
pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40
West.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called
being friendly. Understand the concept?
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards.
It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're
not baseball players.
That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from
them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up.
No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is
now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
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SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:
Your
house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when
you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your
friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're
the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
You don't know what time Taco Bell
closes anymore.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
You
read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old
self.
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Thoughts for People Who Take Life Too Seriously
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different
fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up
on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He
who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're
the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse.
It'll be a great trade .
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you
think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when
you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
When
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone
has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I
used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why
do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
I
let my mind wander and it never came back.
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The following is a list of the world's thinnest
books to be found in either a library or book store:
22. FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac
21. HOW I SERVED
MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18.
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL
HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis
Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10.
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING
ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS -
by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book:
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction
by The Rev.Jessie Jackson
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