|
A Little Off Course
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval
operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels.
I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will
be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Crazy Yeti
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas.
Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the
mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.
"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them.
"One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."
The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope,
night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance
unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer
jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let
out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take
him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain
in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud
thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles
away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey
took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport
back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great
speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi.
Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London
home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a
window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow
the yeti had followed him to England!
The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means
he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before
the yeti came into view.
Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there
ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end
the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped
and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up
with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked
the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:
"Tag! You're it!"
Modern Hospitals ... !
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital
for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator,
wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that
thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
Tennis
Anyone ... !
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple
of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the
ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".
"Really? What
happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.
"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"
Honesty
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown
had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three
girls helped me catch him."
Criticism
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Really
Cheap ... !
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How
about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim,
so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the
clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed
him a mirror.
Trip to the Doctors Office
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people
in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The
other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
The Top 7 Signs That Your Pastor Needs a Vacation
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning
are "alright, listen up you heathens..."
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday
service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top
4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave
me alone?!"
3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon
2. You go to his office for counseling
and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR
NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.
Quick Take
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
Some Kinda Joke?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender
says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
What Advice??
A patient was waiting nervously
in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My local
General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice
did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
Advertising Bloopers!
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog
for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl
wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken
or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
LIFE LESSONS FROM DOGS
If you stare at someone long
enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know
exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave
room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting.
When you do something wrong,
always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not
a real kiss.
The Cure
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't
do any good either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished
bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that,
I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
There Is Spirit
I know how hard it is to raise funds for almost anything these days. A member
of our Church contacted me and said they were having a benefit on June 28.
I said I was sorry that we'd be unable to make
it due to a prior commitment, but I would be there "in spirit" with them.
Undaunted, he cheerfully replied, "Great
! I have $10, $15 and $20 tickets. Where would you like your 'spirit' to sit ?"
A Lesson Form History
When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it.
No
Taxes... No Debt...
Indian men hunted and fished all the time...
And their women did most of the work.
The
great white fathers thought they could improve this system....hmmnnn...
Biscuits for Breakfast
Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door
neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.
"Mother
always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.
So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into
the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl.
"No, thank you," she
said.
"But I thought you said your mother always prepares hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise.
"She
does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."
Baseball Heaven
Two great buddies, Tommy and Fred, were two of the biggest baseball fans
in the USA.
Their entire adult lives, Tommy and Fred discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over
every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try
to come back and tell the other something they always wanted to know: Is there baseball in heaven?
One summer night,
Tommy passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later,
his buddy Fred awoke to the sound of Tommy's voice from Glory.
"Tommy! Tommy, is that you?" Fred asked.
"Of
course it me," Tommy replied.
"This is incredible!" Fred exclaimed. "OK. So I know why you're here. Tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell
me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Fred."
"Oh, that is
wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night..."
The Devil Made Me Do It
Seems there was this preacher's wife who decided along with her
husband that they really had to save more and spend less starting in the New Year. Well, she went shopping and found the dress
of her dreams. It cost way too much, but she had to have it.
When she showed it to her husband, he exclaimed, "After
all we said about spending less money, how could you?"
She replied, "The devil made me do it."
"Didn't you
tell him 'Get thee behind me, Satan'?" asked the exasperated preacher.
"I certainly did," she replied, "but he said
'It really looks great from the back!!!!!'"
Miscellaneous Fun
There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for
our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.
--------------------------------------------------------
While
driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
--------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School
teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art
in Heaven..."
--------------------------------------------------------
A minister waited in line to have his car
filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, sorry
about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. The minister chuckled,
"I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
--------------------------------------------------------
People
want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.
--------------------------------------------------------
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
--------------------------------------------------------
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world, there are those who wake up in the morning
and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
--------------------------------------------------------
A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a
space
with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.
--------------------------------------------------------
A father was approached by his small son, who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" That's easy, Daddy. It stands
for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth
--------------------------------------------------------
|
