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TEXAS WISDOM
1. Never slap a man who's
chewin' tobacco.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the
cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.
Neither one works.
8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
9. Don't squat with your
spurs on.
10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The
few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in
Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating
Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher
Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off
Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe
Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found
by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer
Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers
Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold
Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer
Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New
Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
THINGS TO PONDER...
How
is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate
pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why
is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during
a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked
the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
If all those
psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash
his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a"S" in it?
Why doesn't glue stick
to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why
is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it
in?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is
sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If someone with multiple
personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything
written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where
do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
One of life's mysteries
is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell
apart.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body & your fat are really good
friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling
to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
1.Make
race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle
the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side
to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your
floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to
another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and
demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi
exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When
at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each
passenger.
20.Meow occasionally.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown
and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks
infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!"
whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another
passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then
say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push
the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
35.Shadow
box.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these
do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little
square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a
chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow
spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must
find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when
anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your
thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS:
Insist
that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care,
and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
If they
say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if
they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for
as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company.
" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that
you? WOW, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out
where she could know you from.
Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic
tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying
to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends,
would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood?
How about human blood?"
After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get
all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the Telemarketer
that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment
and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains
that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue
to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the Telemarketer you
are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some chips and dip.
Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll
listen to you. But I should probably tell you, we are in the middle of a wake here"
If they want to loan you money,
tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that
they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every
word down.
FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE DRIVE-THRU:
Stand close to the speaker and yell your
order.
Drive through backwards.
After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as
customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
Barter. Offer a Whopper
for a Big Mac.
Walk through.
Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes
to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
Repeat everything
the order taker says.
Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance
to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."
In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you
is handed 40 bags of food.
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage &
ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will
think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the
same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along
a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker
at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach
the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging is fists on the trunk.
FUN THINGS TO DO AT WALMART:
Get
boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
Set all the alarm clocks to go
off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Make a trail of Mountain Dew on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what
happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
Challenge
other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs
to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows
from Bed and Bath.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle
in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any
Grey Poupon.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants
are.
Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming
the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
In the auto department,
practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
things like "pick me! pick me!!"
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream,
"No, no! It's those voices again!"
If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Go into one of the fitting rooms and yell real loud..."Hey,
we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Have a conversation with a loaf of bread. laugh riotously every now and then.
Wear your full-face helmet into the store with the visor down. make darth vader noises, and sashay dramatically about,
using a sheet for a cape.
Ask someone to tell you what catsup tastes like. after they do, shake your head and say
"nope, that wasn't it then."
When checking out, demand a price check on every item, muttering that the clerk is probably
trying to rip you off.
Sing or speak the commercial for every item you put into your cart. if you don't know the ad,
make one up.
Claim to be zeus. flirt with lawn ornaments.
How
Do YOU Measure Up?
If you can start the day without caffeine;
If you can get going without a pep pill;
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles;
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time;
If you can forgive a friend's lack of consideration; if you can overlook it when those
you love, blame you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong;
if you can take criticism and blame without
resentment;
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him;
If you can resist treating a rich
friend better than a poor friend;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can conquer tension without
medical help;
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have
no prejudice against creed or color, religion or politics;
Then my friend, you are almost as good as your dog, almost,
but not quite.
According to Some Students
Below is a compilation
of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college. (this should alarm you... these people will
run our countries someday)
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived
in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the
Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates
was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and
threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero
was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak
and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
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