Top 47 Oxymorons


47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron

01. Microsoft Works

It Is In The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Fractured Christmas Carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Christian Pick-up Lines

1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry," how about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

Things To Ponder

1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren't B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help "groups"?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

The 13 top country songs in the USA

13. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
12. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
11. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
8. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
7. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
6. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over you
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
2. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
1. If I'd shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out by now.

THE AGE BAROMETER
How many do you remember?


1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10.Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Top Old Folks' Party Games

1. Sag - You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Doc, Doc, Goose
6. Simon Says Something Incoherent
7. Hide and Go Sleep
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical Recliners

Actual Signs

Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "
At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
3. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
5. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
6. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
8. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
9. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
12. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

New Definitions


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines

Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. " The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."